ERland where everyone is happy all the time

Welcome to ERland where the sun is always shining and the staff is always grinnin'. I am Bertha and I am your triage nurse. Your spouse may park the family sedan in our ER parking lot at the bottom of the driveway. It is of course, free of charge. We do have valet parking for your convenience. We will be happy to guide your family to the nearest restroom, pop machine, cash machine, mcdonalds, smoking area. When I am done performing triage I will be putting you into our comfortable waiting room. Feel free to let your children run circles around the waiting room. If you want our attention you may take one of 3 routes: 1) Lay on the floor of the ER waiting room. 2) Lay on the bench in the ER waiting room. 3) Hang pathetically over the side of your wheelchair. Feel free to come up to the triage window every 3-5 minutes and ask how much longer it will be. You will find two televisions for your convenience with cable in our waiting room. I assure you your wait will be minimal because you are important to us. If you get cold, we would be happy to give you a warm blanket to take care of any chill you may experience. Your family is welcome to bring any type of food into the ER waiting room and partake of one of our hospital eating establishments fine cuisine. There is even a table for your family to gather around to make it a more festive occasion. If you feel at all that you can no longer sit in an upright position, feel free to approach the triage window and we will be happy to allow you to lie on a cart in back of triage.
Your turn has come. I will now be taking you to your room. When you arrive in your room please remove your clothing and don one of our lovely gowns. A phone is on the wall for your convenience. Chairs are available for your family. This is the call light. Feel free to use it as often as you like - our staff loves serving you. If at any time you are chilly, we have many warm blankets available for your use. Feeling hungry - feel free to request juice, crackers, a box lunch, a hot entree. We also have foot socks available in many colors to keep your tootsies warm.
Ah, your visit has concluded. Allow me to call valet parking to bring your car around. Oh you didn't bring a car. Would you like a bus token? You may fill your meds in our lobby at the insty med machine. Of course, I will be happy to give your the dollar for your co-pay. Don't have any insurance? We will be glad to fill your medication free of charge. Yes that's right, its on us! Don't feel up to taking a bus - we also have cab service available free of charge to any destination in the metro area. We hope you enjoyed your visit to our fine establishment and look forward to seeing you again. You are now exiting ERland.