I can't go nooooooo satisfaction

As everybody knows, there is a lot of emphasis on SATISFACTION in hospitals these days. They want to know if the entire world is satisfied with everything we do. Every time you walk through the hospital door as a patient you are sent a survey: How the hell was it? Did you feel important? Were people nice? etc etc etc.
Now the SATISFACTION bug has hit the employee side of things, since practically every hospital is trying to be a "magnet" hospital. This is a certification by a nurse credentialing center that you can point to and say, "all the nurses at this hospital are happy as clams, so why don't you come and work here". It can be used heavily in advertising. Hospitals these days are really into being able to advertise where they stand in relation to all the other hospitals. For example, you will see signs that say "Our hospital is in the top 250 hospitals in treating chronic fatigue syndrome in the country". Apparently the public is supposed to be impressed and want to go to that hospital then.
So the magnet status thing has become a new goal for a lot of hospitals. They are even hiring people whose job it is to coordinate the application for this. (wonder how much they make?}
So right now our hospital is doing an "RN satisfaction" survey. About 80 questions about your life as a nurse at so and so hospital. Questions like: could you do everything needed for the patient last shift? Did you get a break? Do you love or hate the administration? etc etc etc. Supposedly the information from this survey will be used to make us happier. I'm all for that. You can never be too happy.
So in the spirit of the RN satisfaction survey, I have come up with my own list of what makes nurses happy and want to stay at your hospital:

1) VALET PARKING for the nurses. Hey they are doing it for the patients now. The doctor parking lot is always closer to the hospital. Its time that the nurses get in on the action. No more going 'round and 'round the ramp to find a space.
2) Once a week CATERED LUNCH for the staff. We're not talking dominos here. We're talking quality food.
3) NO TIME CLOCK. Nurses are supposed to be "professionals", yet a lot of us have to punch in and out on a time clock like we work at the ford factory. Its an insult. And God help you if you punch out before you are supposed to. Ridiculous.
4) ASSISTANT FOR EVERY NURSE. The docs in our ER have "scribes" who chart the note and follow up on labs, xrays, etc.? What am I chopped liver? Where is my assistant? I'm the one doing the work. I sure could use a helper to run and get me a mocha, start my car in the winter, etc.
5) GOOD LOOKING DOCTORS. Start a new hiring policy that every 3rd doctor hired has be good looking. Having eye candy would make those crazy shifts so much easier.
6) NO WEEKENDS. Well maybe not no weekends, but after spending 15 or 20 years at a place, you should not have to work weekends or holidays folks! Another ridiculous thing nurses have to do. There are nurse who want to work every weekend, so this could be arranged...
7) MORE MONEY FOR CHARGE NURSES. The charge nurses at my hospital make $2 more an hour, a paltry sum. This for being in charge of a 30 bed inner city ER that sees 50,.000 patients a year and everything that goes with it. For the stress and responsibility involved in this job, it should be at least $10 more an hour. A$2 is an insult.
8) NURSE LOUNGE WITH CAFETERIA. The docs always have a lounge and most of the time they have a cafeteria and separate place to eat from the rest of the lowly hospital staff. Meanwhile the nurses are trying to make it to the cafeteria and eat in a half hour. What's wrong with this picture people?
9) STAFF NURSE ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS. Usually there is some kine of PHD administrator nurse who is supposed to represent nurse on the board. The problem is this person has not done bedside nursing for 10 years. You need someone who is in the trenches.
10) YEARLY BONUSES FOR NURSES. I know for a fact that at our hospital if your department stays within budget for the year, the management/administration get bonuses. Hello....over here....remember us.....the people who actually do the work? We want our piece of the pie.

And that folks is what will make the nurses happy....and that's the truth PSFHTT!