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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

ERland where everyone is happy all the time

Welcome to ERland where the sun is always shining and the staff is always grinnin'. I am Bertha and I am your triage nurse. Your spouse may park the family sedan in our ER parking lot at the bottom of the driveway. It is of course, free of charge. We do have valet parking for your convenience. We will be happy to guide your family to the nearest restroom, pop machine, cash machine, mcdonalds, smoking area. When I am done performing triage I will be putting you into our comfortable waiting room. Feel free to let your children run circles around the waiting room. If you want our attention you may take one of 3 routes: 1) Lay on the floor of the ER waiting room. 2) Lay on the bench in the ER waiting room. 3) Hang pathetically over the side of your wheelchair. Feel free to come up to the triage window every 3-5 minutes and ask how much longer it will be.

You will find two televisions for your convenience with cable in our waiting room. I assure you your wait will be minimal because you are important to us. If you get cold, we would be happy to give you a warm blanket to take care of any chill you may experience. Your family is welcome to bring any type of food into the ER waiting room and partake of one of our hospital eating establishments fine cuisine. There is even a table for your family to gather around to make it a more festive occasion.

If you feel at all that you can no longer sit in an upright position, feel free to approach the triage window and we will be happy to allow you to lie on a cart in back of triage.

Your turn has come. I will now be taking you to your room. When you arrive in your room please remove your clothing and don one of our lovely gowns. A phone is on the wall for your convenience. Chairs are available for your family. This is the call light. Feel free to use it as often as you like - our staff loves serving you. If at any time you are chilly, we have many warm blankets available for your use. Feeling hungry - feel free to request juice, crackers, a box lunch, a hot entree. We also have foot socks available in many colors to keep your tootsies warm.

Ah, your visit has concluded. Allow me to call valet parking to bring your car around. Oh you didn't bring a car. Would you like a bus token? You may fill your meds in our lobby at the insty med machine. Of course, I will be happy to give your the dollar for your co-pay. Don't have any insurance? We will be glad to fill your medication free of charge. Yes that's right, its on us! Don't feel up to taking a bus - we also have cab service available free of charge to any destination in the metro area. We hope you enjoyed your visit to our fine establishment and look forward to seeing you again. You are now exiting ERland.

10 comments:

rnraquel said...

When I worked in the ER, we all had to attend a "Disney Day" customer service seminar because our Press Gainey scores were in the toilet. It didn't help.

Anonymous said...

love the comment about the Insty-Med machine and needing a dollar for the co-pay....ugh!!

Anonymous said...

Oooooh, when I grow up, can I go to ERland?

Anonymous said...

although this is very funny, I did have a hospital give me some warm blankets and footies when I had appendicitis...oh and a Phenergan Injection because I was throwing up so much bile...BUT I didn't ask for any of these things... They probably were glad to see a REAL sick person....unfortunately...it wasn't free...

newnurseinthehood said...

Oooh! Do you have one of them pitchers for my ice chips and a kit full of little toiletries for me to take home, or do I have to get admitted for that?

RN-INC said...

Ha! Ha! Spoken like a new ER nurse. Didn't do much ER nursing only when they needed help, which I tired to hide when it was my time to rotate. I love it. You should check out the network exclusively for RNs. It would be great to have you a part of the community.

jess said...

Ahahaha your brilliant!

jess said...

On a second note how much does it cost to be seen at the ER? I have no idea because over here in New Zealand its free. Dunno how long that will last with the way the economies going though... When i was in hosp my american flatmate was shocked i didnt have to pay, i was shocked they have to over in America! Crazy the different systems. Anyway i read your blog and i think im completely put off er and nursing lol. But very cool reading!!

Nurse K said...

"How much does it cost to be seen?" Hah. If you're well-insured, like an RN, you might pay a $125 co-payment. If you're uninsured, it can be anywhere from $400-500 for a cold to $15,000 or more for something bad (like a cardiac arrest).

jess said...

Wow that's crazy! I dont know how our health system is still standing since we do everything for free, although i dont know anywhere near enough to really say much, it seems wrong to have to pay to have your life saved.