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Thursday, May 17, 2012

I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable..

Someday I am going to have a gigantic ulcer that eats away half my stomach. I'm going to be rushed to the hospital vomitting bright red blood, pale as a ghost and have a hemoglobin of 3 and a BP of 60. Then I'll need an endoscopy. I hope they give me enough sedation. I'll need blood. It is so gross to think about someone elses blood drip, drip, drip into your body. Yuck. When you get blood it is always so cold. I wonder if it makes you cold. Cold slimy red blood from some unknown person drip, drip, drip into me. Yuck.

The alternative is kidney failure. I end up on dialysis. I'm not going to be one of those loser dialysis patients who skip dialysis and then come into ER because they don't feel good. I'm going to have to have one of those gross looking fistulas in my arm. Yuck. I am going to have to spend hours every week having all my blood put through a machine as I read the latest enquirer, sitting next to a bedraggled looking former crackhead.

All of this because I am a nurse. I am a nurse and therefore, I take NSAIDS on a regular basis. I admit it. I know its not good. The thing is I don't think I could be a nurse without NSAIDS. I think I might be addicted to them. I take them for the aches and pains that come with being a nurse, especially an aging nurse. Hey shut up! I take them with food, OK?!! I'm not a complete idiot. I worry about it though. Iknow its not a good thing. Here's the thing: How else do you cope with a job in which you are on your feet for 12 hours, bending and lifting and contorting around small rooms with too much equipment? HOW DO YOU?!! I'm an addict. I admit it. That's the first step to recovery, right? I'm doomed.

8 comments:

Scrub Ninja said...

I just realized my own overuse of NSAIDs. I figured it out on a day off, when I didn't take my habitual naproxen and wound up with a killer rebound headache.

My change is to use the NSAIDs only when necessary, in minimum doses and in combination with tylenol. Plus I'm wearing better shoes and making sure to lift carefully.

Still, I'm getting used to having my feet ache a lot of the time. I've only been an RN for a year and I can already imagine how people wind up dependent on prescription meds.

Anonymous said...

My grandma died at 95 (from a ruptured diaphragm she declined to have surgerized) after taking ibuprofen daily since the 1970s. Maybe you will get lucky :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could find some sympathy in my heart for you, but I'm one of those autoimmune people that you despise and mock, although I never go to the ER for pain. I put on my big girl panties every day and suck it up. I take 34 medications including chemo which keep me alive, for now. I have a crippling and painful life/death ahead of me. Which organ(s) will give out first? Heart, lungs, kidneys? As if having a fused spine isn't bad enough. I have much to be angry and bitter about, but I choose love instead. Whatever crappy hand you may have been dealt in life, play it out with what you've been given and be grateful for it. You always have a choice how you react to life, and that's empowering. I hope that someday you choose love instead of loathing yourself and those around you.

Anonymous said...

Well said....I wish I could speak as kindly as you do to such a pathetic excuse for a person.

Anonymous said...

Really? You're not an idiot??? I don't believe you could prove that!

Brit said...

I find it difficult to find an ounce of empathy for you. I am one of those Autoimmune Disease people that you mock and call "Pill seekers" and yet here you are, taking NSAIDS all because of a little achyness from your job. Imagine that achyness in every joint in your body, you wake in pain and your body is a stiff as a corpse. I take my daily NSAID because people in my position need to do something to take the edge off the pain. I'm only 22. I have my whole life infront of me, and instead of living it normally, I have limitations. I can't even pick up my 54lb 4 year old. Imagine sitting in your living room in such agonizing pain all you can do is cry and your child worries and tries everything they can to make you better. You, my dear, sicken me.

Anonymous said...

Iv fluid at room temperature feels like ice water if you run it wide open. Prbc right from the fridge...

girlvet said...

blah blah