the crappie floppers

a deja vu to you...

There are a lot of what I would, if I were being generous, call "ineffective copers" in the world. These are the people who can't tolerate a punture wound without doing a crappie flop in front of triage.
deja vu to you..
They run to the ER at the drop of a hat and as they cross our threshold revert to behavior similar to that of a 2 year old. Here's the thing, they fill thousands of ER beds across the country. The public thinks ERs are full of people who are really sick or injured. Wrong. They are filled with these kind of people.

These are the people with "chronic pain". They will keep coming back until someone labels them with some kind of syndrome or dubious condition to try and get rid of them.
They have achieved their goal. Now they have finally have a title for themselves. They can tell everybody: see, I told you I had something wrong with me. Even drug companies are taking advantage of the thousands of ineffective copers by developing drugs for them.

Instead of dealing with their underlying depression and emotional problems, they become their diagnosis, it becomes their identity. Their lives revolve around it. They suck their family into it.

They suck the life out of the ER staff. They unnecessarily fill beds that seriously ill people could be in. They spend millions of health care dollars a year on their syndromes and conditions. They are part of the reason your health insurance is so high.

The Vicodin Follies

Come on down, you're the next contestant on the Vicodin Follies...

Someone came in for something, had no pain whatsoever before their visit or during their visit, but still got a vicodin script.

Patient making 3rd visit this week for same thing, got more vicodin each time.

Have bronchitis? Here's a script for Vicodin.

Apparently today was VICODIN GIVEAWAY DAY. Nobody told me. I was halfway into the shift, before I realized it. Wouldn't it be easier if we just had bottles of Vicodin to give away to each patient as a parting gift? None of those unsightly prescriptions needed.

One guy, I guess he didn't know it was VICODIN GIVEAWAY DAY, actually left before he got his Vicodin script. I tried to run after him, but he was already gone. I guess the next patient will get 2 scripts for Vicodin..

don't judge a book by its cover

She looked like a 1960's reject. Long hair, parted in the middle. Granny glasses. In her late 50's. She had called 911 for herself somehow. When she got there she was incoherent. Medics only knew her first name, they got her last name from 911 which listed her at that address.

If you called her name, she would say "huh". That was about it. Couldn't answer questions, follow commands. My first thought was, as a veteran cynical ER nurse: she's on something. Couldn't answer whether she had been taking drugs.

She looked okay. Breathing OK. Vitals signs stable. The only thing was, she kept asking: AM I GOING TO DIE? AM I GOING TO DIE? I told her no. When someone asks you if they are going to die, what are you gonna say: yes, you are going to die? I'm not sure... Of course you are going to tell them they aren't going to die.

Periodically she would become more coherent, then less coherent. Did a CT scan, labs. See where this is going: Yup, she had a big brain tumor. No doubt inoperable. Turns out she is going to die. Not that day, but in the very near future. Its really, really sad. I wonder what her life was like.

don't bug me

Why do people come to the ER for bedbugs? THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU. I am sorry you have bedbugs. Its an awful thing that no one wants. However, your bites can be treated by going to the drugstore. If you want to relieve the symptoms of your bites go to the drugstore and ask the pharmacist for some anti itch medication.

We don't want you to bring bedbugs to the emergency room. Then we will have bedbugs. We don't want bedbugs just like you don't want bedbugs. I can think of at least two occasions when we have had a bedbug skitter across the triage desk. GROSS. Not only have you brought us an unwanted vermin but now I am going to be scratching myself all day just because of the idea that a bedbug is living in triage.

When you come to the hospital with bedbugs we have to follow a special procedure. The room has to be specially cleaned now. Housekeeping does it. You know how slow housekeeping is. That room is closed until it is done. So grandma can't get into the ER. That's her sitting in the lobby waiting until your room has been cleaned.

SO PLEASE DON'T COME. Oh and while I'm at it, don't come for lice, scabies or "spider bites" either. Unless your rash is infected, go to a drugstore or call your own doctor. Thank you on behalf of ERs everywhere...

larry, moe and curly visit the ER (a typical Friday morning)

Hey I'm sorry if your life is shit, but that doesn't give you the right to become so enraged that you tear the reciever off the wall phone and throw it across the room hitting the wall. The wrath of madness will be upon you. You endangered us and we don't like that.

Hey I'm sorry you are a pathetic drug addict who told us you are suicidal. That doesn't give you the right to make a run for it. You are fast, but we are faster. It is our security's pleasure to tackle you out in triage. They live for that shit.

Hey, I am sorry that your life has gone badly, but that doesn't give you the right to light up a cigarette in the patient bathroom. That does not endear you to the staff or the other patients. The tenor of your visit has now changed. Not in a good direction.

How was your Friday?