In our first category, the nominees for best performance by a chronic back pain sufferer, the nominees are: 1) car bound junkie - this billiant performer is in the back seat of the car lying flat on their back unable to move without assistance. They send a concerned relative to the triage window who requests a cart, not a wheelchair, because they cannot possibly make it into triage by themselves. The ER must come to a grinding halt as 3-4 staff go out to lift their carcass onto a cart, no small feat. Bravo, car bound junkie.
2) MRI toting junkie - this performer, in a well thought out strategy,walks in with with an earnest, yet tense, look on their face and does a lot of heavy sighing. Requiring no direction, they bring their own props in the form of an MRI or at the very least a typewritten report of an MRI, thus proving their legitimacy for all concerned. What can I say, they dominate the screen with their presence...
3) victim of circumstances beyond my control junkie - this person, is a credit to their profession, a method actor really,who has obviously spent time in ER waiting rooms across the country observing other drug seekers in order to get a real picture of the lifestyle. It brings a tear to the eye, as they explain that their medication a) tragically fell into the toilet b) was stolen by some rapscallan or in a surpise turn the script was lost BEFORE IT WAS EVEN FILLED..It makes the average ER staff want to shout "NO!! NO! IT CAN"T BE! SURELY LIFE CANNOT BE THAT CRUEL!!" But alas, dear viewers it can indeed be that cruel and victim of circumstances beyond my control lets us in on that emotion brilliantly...
4) I have an appointment junkie - this performer, comes right out of lest field during the triage interview with a left hook. Things are moving along nicely in the story when all of a sudden POW!! they hit you with an emotionally wrenching: "I can't get into my doctor for 2 weeks and I am out of my Vicodin!" Of course, this dramatic twist was unexpected and leaves one breathless...
5) I just moved here junkie - in a subtle yet convincing performance, this actor's actor, will casually let drop the fact that they just moved here from out of town and, cue the dramatic music, DO NOT YET HAVE A DOCTOR...it leaves you reeling.. and before you can recover from that startling news, in a moment of sincerity they request that maybe you could refer them to a local doctor. Shades of Sir Lawrence Olivier, you sit there stunned, speechless, jaw open applauding your heart out...
And the winner is...ome up here you talented fool and receive your beautiful beautiful tiara, along with a years supply of Percocet...VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL JUNKIE...that's right...I think you will agree that victim is the most versatile and creative performer this year. You literally never know what excuse they will come up with next and it keeps you on the edge of your seat.We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor, why Percocet of course you silly.
Applause! Applause!
ReplyDelete"I'd like to thank all of the Little People who made this possible by stealing my backpack with my Percocets. And to the dog for eating my prescription. Now, could I please have some of that D medicine for my seizure pain?"
"I also want to thank Dr. Nidociv for continuing to buy my story, Dr. Redeefreab for refusing to listen to that voice in the back of his head saying "didn't I see this person before with a different name last month?" and Dr. Doogleef for giving up entirely and stocking the bubblegum machine with a menagerie of Scheduled drugs!"
ReplyDelete