I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable..

Someday I am going to have a gigantic ulcer that eats away half my stomach. I'm going to be rushed to the hospital vomitting bright red blood, pale as a ghost and have a hemoglobin of 3 and a BP of 60. Then I'll need an endoscopy. I hope they give me enough sedation. I'll need blood. It is so gross to think about someone elses blood drip, drip, drip into your body. Yuck. When you get blood it is always so cold. I wonder if it makes you cold. Cold slimy red blood from some unknown person drip, drip, drip into me. Yuck.

The alternative is kidney failure. I end up on dialysis. I'm not going to be one of those loser dialysis patients who skip dialysis and then come into ER because they don't feel good. I'm going to have to have one of those gross looking fistulas in my arm. Yuck. I am going to have to spend hours every week having all my blood put through a machine as I read the latest enquirer, sitting next to a bedraggled looking former crackhead.

All of this because I am a nurse. I am a nurse and therefore, I take NSAIDS on a regular basis. I admit it. I know its not good. The thing is I don't think I could be a nurse without NSAIDS. I think I might be addicted to them. I take them for the aches and pains that come with being a nurse, especially an aging nurse. Hey shut up! I take them with food, OK?!! I'm not a complete idiot. I worry about it though. Iknow its not a good thing. Here's the thing: How else do you cope with a job in which you are on your feet for 12 hours, bending and lifting and contorting around small rooms with too much equipment? HOW DO YOU?!! I'm an addict. I admit it. That's the first step to recovery, right? I'm doomed.