rules of the game

Dear new ER staff:

As you start your wonderful new career in ER, here are a few unwrittent rules you should know about.

1) If a patient comes in on a backboard they will have to go to the bathroom within minutes of arrival.

2) If a patient comes in with a probable broken hip they will have to to the bathroom immediately on arrival.

3) If you order food you will be too busy to eat it.

4) Xrays that were done in a nursing home of that broken hip will never come with the patient to the hospital. They will have to be done again.

5) If your patient overdosed on pills and you have to do a gastric lavage, they will always have eaten a disgusting meal before they took the pills.

6) If you get a loud, obnoxious drunk, detox will be full.

7) If one person comes up to the triage window to ask how much longer it will be, it will have a domino effect and everybody in the waiting room will come up there too.

8) If your pro football team is any good at all, you will slow down during the games.

9) If you wear any kind of new uniform or shoes someone will bleed, vomit or pee on them.

10) If you are the charge nurse and go to the bathroom, your phone will ring.

11) If you are having a horrible, busy day, at least one of your frequent flyers will show up. (Its like they have radar or something)

12) If you have a patient who is crashing, ICU will tell you they have to transfer a patient to take yours.

13) Its true that when the moon is full, or there is a change in barometric pressure, the weirdos come out of the woodwork.

14) At some point in your time in ER, an embarrassing relative, old boyfriend, hated friend will come in while you're working.

15) When you are really, really busy, one of the following things will happen: the computer will go down, the tube system will go down, a lab machine will go down,the hospital down the street will go on divert.