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Saturday, October 29, 2016

Unwritten rules of the ER

1) If you come in on a backboard you will have to go to the bathroom within minutes of arrival.
2) If you come in with a probable broken hip you will have to to the bathroom immediately on arrival.
3) If you order food you will be too busy to eat it.
4) Xrays that were done in a nursing home of that broken hip will never come with the patient to the hospital. They will have to be done again.
5) If your patient overdosed on pills and you have to do a gastric lavage, they will always have eaten a disgusting meal before they took the pills.
6) If you get a loud, obnoxious drunk, detox will be full.
7) If one person comes up to the triage window to ask how much longer it will be, it will have a domino effect and everybody in the waiting room will come up there too.
8) If your pro football team is any good at all, you will slow down during the games.
9) If you wear any kind of new uniform or shoes someone will bleed, vomit or pee on them.
10) If you are the charge nurse and go to the bathroom, your phone will ring.
11) If you are having a horrible, busy day, at least one of your frequent flyers will show up. (Its like they have radar or something)
12) If you have a patient who is crashing, ICU tell you they have to transfer a patient to take yours.
13) Its true that when the moon is full, or there is a change in barometric pressure, the weirdos come out of the woodwork.
14) At some point in your time in ER, an embarrassing relative, old boyfriend, hated friend will come in while you're working.
15) When you are really, really busy, one of the following things will happen: the computer will go down, the tube system will go down, a lab machine will go down,
the hospital down the street will go on divert.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I don't care if you can't chunk a deuce/you're inability to defecate is not my problem

Sometimes the ER smells like a pig pen. Literally. Shit is running off of carts and on to the floor.

Speaking of poop, why does anyone ever come into the ER with constipation? ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS OF THE US:

*****CONSTIPATION IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. I REPEAT. CONSTIPATION IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. THAT IS ALL. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.*****

If you come into the ER with constipation, you will be viewed as the frickin' idiot that you are. I don't care if you are 102, the fact that you haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days is not an emergency. While we're at it, why is it that old people are obsessed with having bowel movements? Its like if they don't have a daily poop, its a crisis...

By the way, I don't believe you when you say you haven't crapped in 2 weeks. Don't believe you. Sorry. You wouldn't be able to eat, drink. Go home.

Attention all ER docs: IF YOU ORDER AN ENEMA, ESPESCIALLY A TAP WATER ENEMA, YOU WILL BECOME A HATED FIGURE. THAT IS ALL. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

When I see a constipation coming my way, I run for the med room, staff lounge, bathroom, pop machine, develop a sudden interest in my patients personal life.

Don't come to the ER for constipation. The ER staff will hate you. And while I am at it, don't bring in granny or grandpa either. Have you ever tried to give an enema to an 85 year old? Its a recipe for diaster for all concerned. Now we hate you and your whole family.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Nina Pham, nurse who contracted ebola, settles lawsuit

Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted ebola treating the first patient with ebola in the United States, Thomas Duncan, has settled a lawsuit with Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital.  The basis of her lawsuit was that the hospital did not have the protocols in place, or equipment needed, to care for such a patient leading to her contracting the virus.

She felt her privacy was violated with publicity in the press about her situation. At one point a doctor came into her room with a camera to talk to her. That film was later released to the press. I wonder if the hospital had to deal with any HIPAA violations around that issue?

She continues to suffer from physical symptoms since her illness. One of the reasons for the lawsuit was concern about possibly needing care for the rest of her life.

It's interesting that this lawsuit was filed 2 years ago and just came to trial a week ago.  The hospital, instead of settling with her two years ago, chose to go to trial, then quickly changed their mind when they realized the bad publicity that would result.  The settlement was not disclosed. Hopefully she got millions.  Texas Presbyterian Health Hospital threw her and the other nurse Amber Vinson, under the bus, in their scramble to save their own asses.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

There are spiders crawling around your bed with you

Apparently throughout America there are spiders sleeping in our beds on a nightly basis.

It seems people figure any bite or sore with an unknown origin is automatically a spider bite and requires a trip to the local emergency room.  I wish I had a nickel  for every person who showed me a bite and  said "I think it's a spider bite".  I'd be a rich woman.

Don't even try to challenge that maybe this isn't a spider bite. The patient is always confident that this is indeed a spider bite and you are foolish to think otherwise. Their auntie told them so.

Out of the thousands of different kinds of spiders in the world, very few would bite humans, and even fewer of them are harmful. They are just trying to get through their day as a spider. Thinking about having to spin that damn web, whether any juicy insects will get caught today..

Have you ever heard that you are never more than 6 feet away from a spider?  There is one on the other side of your husband right now and they are sizing you up for dinner right now....

Saturday, October 22, 2016

The most likely to score a percocet script drug seeker

Is it just me or is everyday just an endless parade of drug seekers?  In all their different forms.

Maybe instead of betting on the drunks alcohol level, we should bet on which drug seeker makes a score.

Here is a synopsis of the "Most likely to score a percocet script drug seeker".

1) White

2) Woman

3) Dressed normal (no cleavage, short shorts)

4)  Educated

5) Apologetic

6) Polite

7) Accompanied by concerned male (preferably husband) version of 1,3,4

Other factors:

1) Is doctor in bad mood?

2) Is doctor busy?

3) Is doctor tired?


And there you have it folks, "the most likely to score percocet drug seeker" in a nutshell.