Friday, August 30, 2013

assinine complaint #45, #234, #12

"I went to old country buffet, gorged myself, and now I have nausea and abdominal pain".

Now fix me.

"I drank too much last night and now I am vomiting".

Now fix me.

"I punched a wall and my hand hurts".

Now fix me.

Fix me. Fix me. Fix me.  You have to fix me. TRA LA LA LA.

Monday, August 26, 2013

yes we have no condoms, we have no condoms today

Highlight of the day in triage:

Man walks swiftly up to triage desk. Opens mouth to speak. I notice he only has one tooth on top.

One tooth guy:  Do you have a condom?

Me: no

One tooth guy: You don't have condoms here?

Me: no

He turns around and walks out.  He wasn't there to be seen. He just wanted a condom. Maybe I should have said: Yeah, we have condoms, but we only have size small.  Is that okay?

Hey, I'm evil, what can I say?

Sunday, August 25, 2013

we get our freak on

(Cue falsetto voice)  Uh...uh..uh...stayin' alive, stayin' alive....staaaayin' alive....

Thats me and my co workers doin' the bump in the middle of the ER.  Anybody old enough to remember the bump?

A new device has entered the land of ER.  It is a pulsating ultraviolet light robot that makes an ER room look like a disco with all the flashes and shit. Supposedly it gets rid of all those nasty bugs that hang around in hospitals causing mayhem and havoc.  Cost: $80,000.

Its all well and good, but how come the room and especially the floor still look dirty when the show is over?

I take my duty to keep y'all up on the latest technology very seriously....

Saturday, August 24, 2013

fibromyalgia for everybody

There's a new phenomenom I have noticed lately.  Women (white of course) who are in their 20's and 30's coming in with a history of fibromyalgia.  It used to be the only people we saw with fibromyalgia were middled aged (white of course) women.  Apparently the wealth is spreading.

I  have a feeling the reason this is happening is because there is probably big money in treating fibromyalgia patients. Drug companies make money.  Doctors make money.  Alternative medicine practicioners make money.  Its all just one big money making family.

Only in America could an industry be built around this kind of stuff.  Hey, its the American way, right?

Friday, August 23, 2013

I live for this shit

According to surveys  we are supposed to have a smile on our face and act very enthusiastic about your constipation, withdrawal from meth, drunken stupor, chronic back pain. I need to show you that I love my job and it is my mission in life to serve you. Otherwise you might consider me "rude or short". You might make a complaint. 

If I don't seem engaged its because I am fucking tired. Okay? I have been running around this ER for 12 fucking hours. Did I mention that we are down a nurse and that the hospital is full with no beds? Oh....thats right...I'm being rude, I'm not showing my enthusiasm.

I just cleaned up grandma who has been lying in her own excrement for the past day because no one checked on her. Drunk Jerry just peed all over himself. Suicidal Susie is getting out of control because she has been waiting for hours for a nonexistent psych bed. She is heading toward restraints. Oh but let me put back on my shit eating grin. I love my job and I want you to know it.

You are the center of my universe with your stubbed toe. I will buddy tape the shit out of that sucker and I will give you a toothy grin while I do it and say what a very nice patient you are while you whine about needing pain medication.

I want you to know that I would volunteer for this shit if I didn't get paid. I live to serve humanity.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

pet peeve #234

Pet peeve #234:

Answering phone calls.

If you call in to ask how long the wait is, even if it is 2 minutes I will probably tell you 2 hours and there are 20 people in the waiting room.   This ain't a restaurant.

Advice seekers: WE STOPPED GIVING ADVICE OVER THE PHONE 20 years ago.  Put on your big boy or girl pants and make your own decision.  Hint: If you have time to call in, its probably not an emergency.

Doctors offices,  home health nurses, etc: I HATE YOU.  I don't care who you are sending in.  It doesn't make any difference in anything that will happen with them.  YOU ARE WASTING YOUR, AND MY, TIME.

One sandwich short of a picnic:  Its not my problem you: lost your discharge instructions, left before you got them, ate them.  Don't call and ask me to read them to you.  If you lost your narcotic prescription, someone stole it, the magical prescription taker took it you ain't getting another one.

Mom, Dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, friends, boyfriends, husbands, person you're having an affair with, , 2nd cousin twice removed: I don't have time to update you on Emma's stubbed toe.

That is all. I feel better now.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

the most likely to score a percocet script drug seeker

Is it just me or is everyday just an endless parade of drug seekers?  In all their different forms.

Maybe instead of betting on the drunks alcohol level, we should bet on which drug seeker makes a score.

Here is a synopsis of the "Most likely to score a percocet script drug seeker".

1) White

2) Woman

3) Dressed normal (no cleavage, short shorts)

4)  Educated

5) Apologetic

6) Polite

7) Accompanied by concerned male (preferably husband) version of 1,3,4

Other factors:

1) Is doctor in bad mood?

2) Is doctor busy?

3) Is doctor tired?

And there you have it folks, "the most likely to score percocet drug seeker" in a nutshell.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

put some damn clothes on

There seems to be a rash of drunks running around with no clothes on. They end up in the ER.  I mean, seriously?  If you are that much of a drunk chances are you ain't go that good of a bod.  No one wants to see that thing. Put some damn clothes on.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

smack attack

Is there a heroin epidemic going on?  All of a sudden we are seeing all kinds of heroin addicts. Its like they are coming out of the woodwork.  The thing is they come in all shapes and colors. Heroin use is equal opportunity drug these days. Anybody from the teenage suburban white boy to the prostitute down the street from the hospital and everyone in between.

I hear tell that heroin is cheaper than crack these days.  Thats really great.  You can never have too many cheap drugs that can kill you in a heart beat.  Hey with narcan you can be brought back to life and be on the street in half an hour looking for your next score.  Is this a great country or what?

Friday, August 16, 2013

all alone

A fair amount of people choose not to have children. Hey thats OK, its an individual choice.  But I have to tell you that it makes for a rough life when you are elderly.  When you need help and there is no one there to help you.

I see this over and over. People who are trying to manage by themselves and not very well.  How badly they are managing comes to light when they come to the ER.  Medics come to pick them up and the house is a disaster area.  They are too frail to take care of it.  They barely manage to take care of themselves.

I had a guy come in because a medical condition was so bad, he had no choice but to come to the hospital. He was alone, is his own home, no kids, no relatives in the area.  They lived hundreds of miles away. Of course he didn't want to bother them. After all, they had their own families. So he did the best he couldI for as long as he could.

He knew that he could no longer take care of himself, would have to go somewhere else.  He knew he would have to sell his house but had nobody to help him.  He needed a nursing home and he knew it.  The fact that he had property would mean he wouldn't be eligible for help with the expense.  I would be that his house is a mess. Probably needs a lot of cleaning, updating to even get it ready for a sale.  Who was going to pay for that?

There are no people in the world who are in place to help people like this.  They are left to fend for themselves.    

Thursday, August 15, 2013

cherry garcia makes everything better

Did you ever have one of those shifts where, on the way home you stop at the store and buy a pint of Ben and Jerrys Cherry Garcia, because the shift was that bad?  Its funny how ice cream can make just about anything better.

You were todays shit magnet, literally.  People called you names.  Nothing went right.  Then you take that first spoonful of ice cream and it doesn't seem so bad after all...

Sunday, August 11, 2013

disaster just ahead

Are you ready?  Ready for Obamacare?  As far as I know, it starts in January 2014. I think part of it has been postponed.

Forty five million people had no health insurance in 2012.  Those people are apparently going to have to get insurance or pay a fine.  Think about this, 45 million more people entering the health care system and having the access everybody else has had all along.  They don't have to worry about payment any more.  So naturally, like everyone else, they aren't going to hesitate to use it.

Here's the thing, they won't be able to get an appointment.  The people who have health insurance now can't get an appointment, so how to we expect all of these people will somehow get appointments.  When they can't get an appointment, where do you think they are going to head?  Why, right down to their local ER of course.

I foresee a disaster as an already burdened system tries to absorb these people.  It can't happen, so then what? People are going to be pissed that they have to pay for insurance and not be able to get an appointment.  If seems no one in the government has addressed these problems.  I am sure they are aware of it.  Its typical that we do drastic things and let the chips fall where they may.

Retirement looks better and better.

RIP my friend

I have known three people who passed away way too soon.  Two suddenly, one over time.  Its so weird when you know someone, saw them a few days ago and then boom they are gone.  These people were in my general age group. I had known them a long time.    I think about how hard they worked all of their lives, the sacrifices they made and it makes me sad.  They will never get to just mellow out in retirement.  That isn't fair.

It starts me thinking: what am I doing?   Why am I living this stress filled life? Its crazy really.  I have a really stressful job in which every day I am faced with a lot of negativity, coming from all directions.  I have been doing it for a long, long time.

Its funny a few people I work with who could retire, don't,, because they say this is the best money they will ever make.  True that, but is it worth it?  Is it worth all the stress? The exhaustion?

If you knew that  in 6 months you would be dead, would you keep the job you have now?    

Friday, August 09, 2013

naughty little monkeys

Dear ER staff:

Once again, you are naughty little monkeys..... Yet again we must ask you to cease and desist around the follows items:


2) Whoever is eating cheese puffs at the desk, STOP IMMEDIATELY.  THIS MEANS YOU.

3) We are not seeing enough SHIT EATING GRINS in the department.  Patients are complaining about the lack of a smile on your ugly mugs.

4) I don't know how many times we have to tell you this: THERE IS NO LAUGHING AT THE NURSES DESK.  The patients perceive that you are just yukking it up and don't care about them.

5) NO PERSONAL CALLS AT WORK.  Unless a member of you family has had their head severed, they should not be calling.

Remember: We are watching you all the time.  If any of the above rules are broken, you WILL spend time in the principals ( management) office.

That is all.  BACK TO WORK!

The management

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

drug seeker ploy #564

Aw the clever drug seeker.  The one  that brings in a CD of their injury.  A written report of their MRI.  An acutal xray on their computer tablet.  Have your ever noticed that:

1) They called their doctors office and were told to come to the ER.

2) They can't see their doctor for 2-3 weeks.

3) They are supposed to have surgery on their chronic pain part next month.

4) Their doctor is out of town.

5)  Etc Etc Etc

We supposedly have a system wide policy that we don't give prescriptions for chronic pain.  Is that policy followed?  Of course not.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

death never gets easier

One thing about working in the ER, you realize how fragile life is, how it turns on a dime.  One day you can be alive and the next day your are dead.  Even when you are old and you or your husband realize that your life is probably short, it is still a shock.

People are thrown into these situations where yesterday you were sitting at the table having coffee and today you have to decide whether to take your spouse off the vent and let them go.  That is how quickly life can change.  The person you spent fifty years with is gone. Poof.  That's it.  How do you face tomorrow without them?  They won't be there in the morning anymore, it will be you by yourself.  And even though I'm not them, that really makes me sad.

Dead bodies aren't pretty.  Perhaps that sounds weird, but another truth.  It is life that gives people their beauty.  When they are dead, that beauty is gone suddenly and a mass of bones and tissue is left.  I've wrapped up my share of bodies over the years, put the toe tag on, zipped the bag up. It never gets easier. This was a human being and now they are gone.  They will be missed. Their life was a series of stories, and as I zip up the bag, I wonder what those stories were.

Sunday, August 04, 2013

brutal honesty

OMG this is hilarious!  And so true....nursing ain't pretty folks.....