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Monday, January 19, 2015

I don't care if you can't chunk a deuce/flo nightengale is rolling over in her grave tonight


Sometimes the ER smells like a pig pen. Literally. Shit is running off of carts and on to the floor.

Speaking of poop, why does anyone ever come into the ER with constipation? ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS OF THE US:

*****CONSTIPATION IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. I REPEAT. CONSTIPATION IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. THAT IS ALL. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.*****

If you come into the ER with constipation, you will be viewed as the frickin' idiot that you are. I don't care if you are 102, the fact that you haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days is not an emergency. While we're at it, why is it that old people are obsessed with having bowel movements? Its like if they don't have a daily poop, its a crisis...

By the way, I don't believe you when you say you haven't crapped in 2 weeks. Don't believe you. Sorry. You wouldn't be able to eat, drink. Go home.

Attention all ER docs: IF YOU ORDER AN ENEMA, ESPESCIALLY A TAP WATER ENEMA, YOU WILL BECOME A HATED FIGURE. THAT IS ALL. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

When I see a constipation coming my way, I run for the med room, staff lounge, bathroom, pop machine, develop a sudden interest in my patients personal life.

Don't come to the ER for constipation. The ER staff will hate you. And while I am at it, don't bring in granny or grandpa either. Have you ever tried to give an enema to an 85 year old? Its a recipe for diaster for all concerned. Now we hate you and your whole family.

Now come forth, o readers, tell me in the  comments how your case of constipation WAS DIFFERENT, how I am a terrible, unfeeling nurse who should just quit because Flo Nightengale is probably rolling over in her grave right now.  I'm feeling kind of evil tonight.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, I will present to you a case of constipation that was different. After having bilateral mastectomy+breast reconstruction (surgery that lasted a little bit over 10 hours), due to all the pain killers I did not have a bowel movement for close to 7 days. It was horrible, and yes, I couldn't eat, I was able to drink though, just a few sips at a time. To the post-operative pain now was added the abdominal pain. I DID have an enema kit in the house, but was not going to let my boyfriend use it, and I couldn't use it myself because I couldn't reach (latissimus dorsi flap breast reconstruction) - I was using actually a brush handle with toilet paper (and then a flushable wipe) wrapped around it when I was going no. 1. My surgeon was very worried about the whole thing, and they had tried all kinds of laxatives and nothing happened. I was fortunate that in the end I was able to "go" with a glycerine suppository but even that was not a pleasure to administer, neither for me, nor for the nurse who had to do it.

Mark p.s.2 said...

"why is it that old people are obsessed with having bowel movements?"
When you are old you will know.

Anonymous said...

But if the patient has an actual blockage causing the "constipation," it's not going to help the situation if the patient stays home too long instead of going to the hospital.

Anonymous said...

Your day will come, honey. You are female and, if you are lucky, you will get old. We can only hope that the ER if filled with Doctors and Nurses who think you are an idiot.

Janey Hakanson said...

I have spent many hours holding dog leads outside in the dark, while they squat semi-sedated and bear down and try to poop out the broken up cooked hambone pieces that some cruel idiot owner decided to feed them as well as the bloodied pieces of shredded intestine, and giggled looking at the instructions for humans on the box of the fleet enema we use for large patients, with the blob shaped human figure on their stomach assuming the butt up in the air position. All you can do is laugh, it's that or cry.

Despite their being many times that being constipated does require medical attention - I don't understand why the ER is the best option? It's a chronic problem. Call a locum doctor, go to an after hours GP clinic, call a nurse help line...