Monday, February 24, 2014

do you have a metal plate in your head?

The ER has become a place where we screen for EVERYTHING.

You came in for a one inch cut on your finger? Along with asking you your allergies and if you had a recent tetanus shot, you will be asked about 30 other questions which have nothing to do with why you are there.

Are you allergic to latex?
Do you have any implanted devices? A metal plate in the head perhaps?
Do you have any skin problems? Any big zits?
Have you fallen recently? Excluding after a night out on the town
Have you ever had MRSA, VRE, MDRO?
Do you have:
                  a hearing problem? HELLLLLOOO???? I guess you do.
                  speak a different language? ¿Hablas inglés?  你会说ENGLSIH  .لا تتكلم englsih
                  financial trouble? If you do, the staff will be happy to
 take up a collection...

                  cognitive problem?  Are you dumber than a post?
                  etc. (can't remember the rest)

Is anyone verbally abusing you?
                physically abusing you?

And now some new added bonus questions:
                              What do you like to be called?  (Personally I prefer Queen Madness)
                              Who will be a spokesperson for you?
                              What is their phone number? (In case your laceration repair goes bad)

And now, the winner, the fiesta restistance of the screening questions, just recently added:

                  Are  you involved in any medical studies or clinical trials? (You know that study of cocaine users?

So you see, that 1 inch lacerations has become very complex.  We want to know your story back to
the Mayflower. If you answer yes to most of these problems, are we going to do anything different? NO.

Keep in mind all of these questions are supposed to be answered in triage where we have all kinds of time for this shit.


Beth said...

Ugh, I hate those fucking triage questions! When I'm triaging a lac or something minor I don't even bother asking... the answer to all those damn questions: pneumonia vax? flu shot? SI/HI? Advanced Directive? Risk for DVT? LMP?


I don't care if I fibbed on a medical record... I got 10 more people to triage after that one, 3 of which are from SNFs with a med list a mile long...

It's like you said- triage is not for sissies!

Anonymous said...

What? You don't have to sign them up for "My Chart" or "Smart Chart" or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods-I mean that's SO important that patients have access to lab reports they have no clue what any of it means!!

Anonymous said...

Beth, you do realize that said fibbing on a medical record can cost u ur nursing license? Not to mention the jail time u would serve when on the 0.05 percent chance that risk of DVT u answered no 2 coincidentally has a clot that travels 2 the lung and kills the poor person? Not fibbing n taking a bit longer doesn't make one a sissie.