no poop = no problem

Hospitals are falling all over themselves to get different certifications in an attempt to outdo their competition.  Ha ha we are a certified stool transplant center and you aren't....  We spent 50,000 dollars to be able to put on our internet sit that we are ready, willing and able to transplant any stool that needs tranplantin' and someone with a clipboard and 3 piece suit said we are experts at it. Now our administrators, when they send out an email can add certified stool transplant center to their list of credentials.

So I have decided to come up with my own certification agency.  There is obviously money to be made here. Of course, it goes without saying, I will be non-profit.  Everything I do in my agency will be done for the good of humanity. The 50,000 dollars I charge per site visit will go into further research that my agency does to improve care.  The 500,000 dollars plus bonus salary I make is commensurate with what is expected to be paid to someone at my level. (cough)

My area of expertise: constipation and flatus. I will certify your hospital in constipation and flatus care. You will set up an area in your hospital which will be called the "Centre for Constipation and Flatus Care" (clinics are so passe)

You will become an expert in constipation and the art of the bowel movement. Your institute will guarantee a bowel movement or flatus removal at every visit, come hell or high water (!). Your staff will develop an expertise in the fleets, tap water or pink lady enemas, the likes of which no one has ever seen. Your long fingered staff will take care of that fecal impaction in a matter of minutes. Gas = gone!

Since very few institutions are capable of this kind of expertise, you will no doubt become nationally know as a centre of constipational and flati excellence, drawing people from around the country, perhaps the world.

With this certification comes the right to advertise your new status as a certified Constipation and Flatus Centre in any manner you choose. No doubt you will want to have a large banner made to put on the outside of the hospital to display your pride to all comers.

Please contact me at Kate's Constipation and Flatus Accreditation Centre: 1-800-N-O-F-E-C-E-S.