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Thursday, October 06, 2011

you got da clap my dear

One of our jobs as ER nurses, at least in our ER, is telling people test results if they call or calling to tell them results. Guess what kind of results we call about? 99% its STDS of course. Gonorrhea and chalmydia take a couple of days to come back. We tell them we will call them if results are positive. Sometimes they call us. In the old days we treated people prophylactically usually with Rocephin IM. We're not doing that these days.

So, hopefully I can get ahold of you, in other words, hopefully you gave us a real telephone number. Hopefully, your number is not turned off, which is the case more times then you would think. So I get ahold of you and drop the bomb, you got the clap sweet pea, a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DIESEASE. I always emphasize that part. Reactions vary from a nonchalant OK to anger. Then there is the person who starts asking questions. They want to know: how long does it take this to develop? They are trying to figure out who gave it to them. Help me....

Anyway I call the script into the drugstore or they pick it up. I tell them to have any sexual partners treated. Heh. Then I tell them my favorite part: We are obligated to report this result to the state board of health and they will be contacting you. They gonna be askin' who yo sex partners are so they can track their butts down.

This whole process is a lot of fun for everyon involved...

A side note: Men with STDs are getting off a lot easier these days. It used to be that the doctor took a culterette and did a little roto router action on yer johnson. Those days are gone. Now all you have to do is pee in a cup if you are a guy. Thing is, the gals still have to endure the pelvic. Another example of how women suffer in this life. Yeah I said it: suffer.

5 comments:

Mark p.s.2 said...

Besides possibly having a baby, women can have multiple orgasm's and can pee when old/can't get an enlarged prostate.

hoodnurse said...

Wait, tearing your vag in half to squeeze out a kid is one is the plus column for the ladies? Yeah, okay.

When do you get time to call these fools? Is someone assigned to STD duty all day? We just send these people letters, I believe.

Anonymous said...

And, because of those little bundles of joy we have the privelage of birthing, we can also pee when we sneeze, laugh, cough or sometimes just because. We get to feel like we're being repeatedly punched in the abdomen for several days each month then, because that's not enough fun, we bleed from our vaginas for several more days and get to either wear a diaper or stuff our lady bits with enough cotton to bandage a good sized head wound. And multiple orgasms? Most men can't figure out how to give us one at a time, much less multiples.

rnraquel said...

Often the STD guy is like "Don't call my house with the results, whatever you do" !

The Daze of Whine and Roses said...

One of my favorite things is to set up the swabs for a male STD exam and include a Fox Swab. :-D
The look on their face makes my heart soar. :-D