just trying to make it through

Why did you become a nurse?  Most people would say the old reliable "I wanted to help people".  They have some kind of bullshit "calling".

I didn't become a nurse to help people.  I was 28.  I had been laid off of my job.  I had 2-3 years of college credits, but no degree.  I realized that unless I wanted a low paying job for the rest of my life, I had to get some kind of degree.  I had worked in hospitals a lot, as a HUC, admitting clerk, dietary aid, nursing assistant.

I told myself I would never become a nurse.  I didn't want to do bedpans and shit like that.  But there I was, on unemployment.  I had always had an interest in medicine.  So what the hell.  You could always get a job in nursing, its flexible, there were a lot of different things you can do.  So I went for it.  I became a nurse because it seemed practical.

Like a lot of other nurses, it was inevitable that I would become something like a nurse. I grew up in a house where I learned to be a caretaker like most nurses.  People in my family were alcoholics, like a lot of nurses.  These are the kind of people who become nurses, whether we want to admit it or not.  We are the people who will put up with a job like this.  A job that is often abusive.

I liked some of the things about nursing.   It was interesting, challenging, still is.  I didn't have to work a monday through friday 40 hour week.  I liked meeting all the people I took care of and hearing their stories.

Somewhere along the way, all that changed. I forgot about what I liked, replaced with what I didn't like. People are too hard to deal with.  The job is thankless and exhausting.  It always feels out of control. All the negative parts overwhelm the positive parts. Its hard to think about the positive parts anymore.  I'm too tired and just trying to make it through.  
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